Raw

I feel

Raw…

 

For yesterday, I tried, 

To be my strongest  

But I didn't last.

I went to you shaken.

I don't know why I, if I’m entirely honest,

My body weak,

My mind tangled,

Haunted by our past.

Frail, I admit that my mind is in limbo,

Do I take you back?

And do I forgive?

 

As the demons raised more walls and protested violently.

And in corner sat a child, amongst the muffled cacophony

reaching out as the abyss pulled him back. 

Poisoning what joy I felt,

My grief came in torrents 

As I shouted my truth,

 

You bring me happiness!

And immeasurable pain!

And a quick forgiveness felt like the darkest betrayal,

the greatest dishonour, to throw away an armour,

built so strong,

Shielding me when none in this fetid world would.

I could scream…that you weren’t there.

 

You bore the silence, the wrath and my voluble fury

For we have been here before, but not quite so,

As you allowed the protests,

the walls continued to fracture,

The fortress had fallen,

The turrets fell to their ruin,

For my heart has never been so sure

It had held this truth, that it longed for your return.

And even amidst the tortured screams,

It cried for the child who needed his friend

Who, even as he reached for the light through the cracks,

found only the weight of agonising memory.

 

The silence pressed heavy,

a silence, and an apology,

I am torn open for the rage still sharpens me,

and tenderness betrays me.

And we agree, the past, it cannot not be buried.

 

I look forward,

Still uncertain, if love is enough,

if forgiveness is the kind death we need

even as my mind plans new walls.

 

I end now, aching for peace,

terrified of it, but knowing well

No greater love, did I ever feel or ever felt,

As we build grand castles from the rubble and love. 

I write this, and I weep…

 

“I missed you, so…so much”